This girl is more easily done than said...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
