can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
