the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
