Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
