May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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