So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
