He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
