sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we're making bets on your personal life
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
