nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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