It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize