mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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