I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
