I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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