So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
