I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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