im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
