Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
