Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My life is pants optional.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
