alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
