please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
