No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
