I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
