The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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