You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You're my little dorito
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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