you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
