I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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