he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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