My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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