Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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