I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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