The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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