i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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