before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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