I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
