just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
