guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
