I'm lost and stupid without you.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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