I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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