I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize