Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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