fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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