am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
