I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
