Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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