He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
