I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
