i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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