Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
