If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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