i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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