she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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