Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
