He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
