so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
