wrigley field is MILF paradise
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
