Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize