I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
