My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
