I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
