and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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