I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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