She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
